Muscle and Fitness Hers Forums - View topic - Back to it...

Anne-Marie · Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 5:19 pm Post subject:

I feel like such a fraud.

From the beginning - got up this morning with not quite enough time (given my usual waking-up sluggishness) to go for my run before the funeral. But, I ate lightly because I *thought* I'd have time. Then I somehow lost track of time and my husband was suddenly telling me we should have left 10 minutes ago -- and I'm still in my jammies. So no time for me to eat. He didn't know when we would eat next, and there wasn't time to pack/make a snack. I knew this spelled disaster.

So we got to the service, and had not known we were supposed to be there 30 minutes ahead as my husband was asked to be one of the pall bearers. And the whole 1 hour drive there we both had to go pee, but J went first and there wasn't time for me. I should start wearing Depends.

The service was strange (for me) as it was Catholic and I have only been to a couple of funerals in my life and none of them were Catholic services. I sure enjoy all the rituals of every religion I've encountered though -and I found the service (and following reception) such a wonderful way to mark her life and meaning. Then we got lost on the way to the crematorium, which I thought would be basically an incinerator, but is actually a huge lovely place with space to gather for some readings and then another space where there was coffee, tea, and finally broodjes.

I had 5 rolls with either a slice of deli meat or cheese. I was starving. I'd had a peach and some yogurt at 9am... then nothing until about 2:30. Then about 4pm I fell asleep in the car. Not surprising. We got home, and I just went straight to bed. My husband woke me up at 8pm with a question and was totally perplexed when I got angry/sad and was yelling and crying for the next hour. (Well, I was a bit too, then I remembered...) I simply cannot handle all those carbs. My body shuts down when I am not eating regularly and well. No wonder I've been so exhausted these past 2 weeks - one of the things that got left by the wayside was my preparation/planning for snacks and meals. Not eating well is so freaking hard on my body, my mood... and thus on everyone around me!!!

So, no time for my run this evening either.

I don't know how to fit everything in. Nothing I want to do is all that difficult in the sense that I CAN do it... one step at a time. But I keep letting everything fall apart and then have too much to do to catch up... and I don't want the attitude of killing myself to catch up, instead I want the attitude of not worrying since I'll get to it. But I never get to it. I fall asleep instead! Well not always. Razz

The other night I was freaking out about school, and my husband convinced me that I was done for the night and to go to bed. I had never before just not done something I felt obliged to do... I've always just done it and suffered. Both ways suck though. I want to be able to do it all AND enjoy it!!

I want a happy peaceful life. Where do I start??? And how can I know so much about how to take care of my mind and body, and then not do it??? Deep sigh...

guitargrl325 · Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 7:06 pm Post subject:

That's a tough day!! But you will pull through and be stronger for it.

I was reading back in your journal and I think you mentioned that due to some things you might not be able to do your 10k....I was wondering...could you stil do it but just walk part of it? Who says you have to run an entire race? I walked part of my first half marathon and a 5k I did once when I was sick with a chest cold.

I'm getting my sister to start training for a half marathon and I told her she can walk part of it. No shame in walking!!

Just a suggestion!

kbeaudoin · Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 10:15 pm Post subject:

It is comforting to know you aren't perfect, Anne-Marie!!

Oh I have these meltdowns every other month or so...It is just my
hormones or lack of sleep or unmet expectations...

But in times of peace when I am not screaming and crying I can see that I do learn from the pain of all of these times-- when I didn't plan or didn't pack or stayed up late or forgot to get the details.

Then next time a big event comes along, I do it better (not perfect) and feel like I accomplished something.

Of course, a new crisis is just around the corner and if I learned from all those other meltdowns I can just say, "well, that wasn't fun! I don't want to do that again", and I don't fall apart so badly because I know it is just a day and tomorrow will be better and next time I will be more successful.

I feel your pain and know from past posts you have a positive mindset and do well so much of the time. Keep going at it!!

K

britbabe · Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 5:21 am Post subject:

[Hugs]

Reading through this post it could so easily have been one of mine! I guess we all go through this now and again! Wink

You have a lot on your plate, sit back and try to think about this from another persons perspective, your advice to others on issues like this is usually spot on. In fact I feel like cutting and pasting your post into my journal to see what advice you would give me!!! Smile

Here's my two pence worth:
Your whole routine has just changed because you are back at school and that has knocked the time you have down quite dramatically. It always takes time to get back into this new routine and you haven't had a chance to settle in before the death in the family that has also drained some more of your time. You had a few time issues, some you couldn't do anything about (not knowing you should have been at the funeral an hour early, getting lost later in the day), I guess the morning time disappearence could have been better - but I am doing it myself this morning - I have loads of chores to do and can't believe I have been up for 4 hours and haven't done anything much yet, can't believe where the time has gone to Rolling Eyes

!! It happens and yes it will be a blip you will get over! Wink

One of the things I am trying to do is to prepare my food on my days off work when I wouldn't need to, as well as the days where I am at work, I do it in the morning, but you could do it the night before ... that way you aren't caught out? Question

It seems your thinking is like mine... you want this to be a lifestyle and to be such a habit that days where something else is going on you are still able to maintain this life, kinda like getting dressed and cleaning your teeth - you always do it without fail, you want eating rght and exercising to be as ingrained as that - maybe this will happen someday, but we are both in the starters gate still .. and these habits still need building.

Don't be too harsh on yourself, make sure you are getting enough sleep and rest, if you have an off day - remember that's all it is and get back into the run the next day! Smile

Wish I could take my own advice!! Rolling Eyes

Anne-Marie · Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 4:06 am Post subject:

thanks ladies (i hope that is the appropriate term after my 'girls' thread!)

I am slowly feeling better. Whatever was going on really took it out of me. I slept 16 hours yesterday. My husband was quite worried, but then later he said he thought I must have been recovering not only from the busy weeks, but from a lot of emotional stuff from the funeral. Not my attachment to his granny (lol!) but the memories and stuff - my dad died almost 2 years ago, and as soon as I heard about him being sick I flew out, even tho he hadn't talked to me in almost 10 years. I visited 3-4 times in the 3 months before he died, trying to be supportive to my brother & sister as well. At the funeral, I had never heard of most of the people that came, and some had no idea my dad had another daughter. Since the funeral, my brother & sister have talked to me about 5 times, 3 of those were at or around my wedding. Which is a huge amount for them. I stopped sending birthday cards about 3 years ago since they were never even acknowledged. It still hurts me very deeply that this is how things were/are. I know I am a good person, and most people can see that, but I really wish I had grown up never knowing I wasn't wanted or liked within my own family.

In contrast, at my husband's granny's funeral, my MIL asked me to participate in the ceremony by lighting a candle, everyone there knew who I was (sort-of - maybe not my name but that I was married to J.) and even though my Dutch is still so basic, still chatted with me. I belong so much more to his family than mine.

I am going to head out for my run (sheesh!!) shortly, as I am feeling quite a lot better. I keep thinking "oh, I'm finally past these issues" and then... BOOM!!! No wonder I was exhausted - poor eating and over-emotional times!! As of yesterday I was eating normally again (during my brief periods of wakefulness) and that, and a very snotty cry on my husband's shoulder seems to have helped!!!

I will still do the race I think... you're right I can walk a bit. I hope not too much, but depending how I feel, I can just keep on training for another one!

Anne-Marie · Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 8:51 am Post subject:

ok so...

52 minute run, 5 min warm, 5 min run/1 min walk x 7, 5 min cool.

Good. It was hard, which i expected as it had been a week since my last run, and the weather was threatening rain which lead to a bit of my asthma playing up. I just tried to go at a pace that didn't wear my breathing out, and that was faster than walking... and to watch my posture. I've been feeling good ever since!!

kbeaudoin - you know, thanks for putting it all in a bit of perspective. Like, yeah, you're a complete mess, but that's ok!!! lol!!! It really helps to remember that this too shall pass!

bb - you are bang on that yeah, i want this to be my lifestyle. And you're right... it's coming!!!

britbabe · Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 10:44 am Post subject:

Anne-Marie.... Very Happy

So glad you are feeling better and more positive today!
Wink

I hear ya on the family stuff.... Me and Dad haven't really been in touch for over 10 years, don't think it is a choice that either of us made, he is very good at leaving the past behind and I guess that's what I am really - part of his past. Sadly I still haven't stopped sending birthday cards even though they aren't acknowledged because I feel I am still doing the right thing...... My wedding was abroad and out of the 20 people only of them were from my Family so that shows I am closer to Hubby's family than my own!!

Sometimes we have to deal with these things by reaching the bottom of the hole, get it all out and then climb back out again.... I am pleased you are on the way up again!!

Bet that run made you feel better too!! Wink

Anne-Marie · Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 4:44 pm Post subject:

ummm... I just found out I've been getting PM'd!!! So, I haven't ignored anyone, I just had no idea!!

gfraast · Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 4:34 am Post subject:

good that you feel better already, i did miss your post on the weekend...your relationship to your husband sounds so good and stable, i'm sure this helps you a lot!!
i identify with this "wanting it to be a lifestyle", because i'm the same...and i make so many adjustments after some time, plans are there to be changed Very Happy

and if life comes in between...well ok, just keep going afterwards...i think consistency is the main point!! if you miss one workout, or don't eat the right things for one day, thats not the problem if you just go on with your plan! its only one day out of a lot...you are doing great!!!!

(oh, and thanks for this link you posted in an earlier thread, don't know exactly the name, but it was about "self 2.0" and there was something with an island within etc. - it was so inspiring!!!!)

Anne-Marie · Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 3:56 am Post subject:

gfraast - interesting site, huh!!

I did some reading of my own previous posts in my journal, and realized as of this week I am meeting my goal of getting up earlier, which will continue due to school for the rest of the week. Have to see how that carries on into the weekend/next week, but for now I am pleased to see that. And although I am very tired today, I am ok with it!

I also noticed that I have totally not progressed on my goal of tracking/reporting eats. I'm not sure how to break that down into smaller goals, but for now I'll report that at 7:30 am i had 1/2 c raw oatmeal + 1 c skim milk + 2 tbsp raisins + a pinch of ground cloves & cardamom microwaved + 1 tbsp walnuts for brekkie! Also a pot of tea with skim milk. Probably 1/2 c skim milk/day in my tea. LOOOOVE my tea. And my 10:30 snack will be... a banana with 1 tbsp peanut butter. mmmmm...

I'm stiff, sore, tired, a bit sneezy and a bit tired. I think I'll bring my inhaler on my run as the last two my asthma acted up (and had never thought of that idea until reading indigobunting's journal this morning lol!!!)

Planned run today is: 54 min - Warm-up: Walk slow & easy 5 minutes
Run 10 minutes. Walk 1 minute. Do this 4 times.
Cool-down: Walk slow & easy 5 minutes

I'll go right after my snack (as I am getting a bit perfectionistic trying to schedule my life around my snack at 10:30, since that is the time we get a break at school) and then do a yoga stretch for 20 min... then a shower and back to homework until I go to work after lunch.

I'll be sure to report if things don't go according to plan!!!

kbeaudoin · Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 5:27 pm Post subject:

Happy Birthday, Anne-Marie!

lizzyb · Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:25 pm Post subject:

Na na na nana na na na 1-2-3-4 na na na nana na na na (insert Beatles "birthday song" here)

Happy birthday chikita!!

britbabe · Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2009 2:54 am Post subject:

A-ha.....Postive Anne-Marie is well and truly back!!!

Happy Birthday by the way..!!!!!

Very Happy

Anne-Marie · Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2009 5:22 am Post subject:

hey there - thanks for the birthday wishes and anyone dropping by later I thank you for thinking of it as you read lol!!!

Well, I have learned that I just have to drop my goal back to running 2x per week. No way can I fit in that 3rd run on W-F when I'm in school. I add 1hr+ cycling those days, and that will just have to be it for now. I was stressing about it, but I'm gonna be brave and accept reality (for now! lol!)

As far as eats, so far continuing to be not perfect, but not so bad either. Yesterday I had 7 of some little chocolates out of a bag I brought to share with my classmates... smaller than kisses but probably at least as rich lol!!! Then a wonderful birthday meal out with my husband... at a fancy restaurant so the experience was fantastic, and we ordered the chef's 3-course surprise... Some kind of fish with mint mayonnaise, followed by potato with a bit of cheese, a bizarre kind of broccoli, and chicken, and for dessert a few berries with a bit of bread pudding with creme sauce and pistaschio ice cream. Delicious, small portions, nothing that tasted rich or heavy. So great!

Today we are running errands and cleaning the house - my MIL & SIL are coming over this afternoon and we'll go for a walk, cook dinner (my husband will bake a banana cake - we call it a man-cake in our house since it was one of the first things he made on his own and it turned out really well and he likes to make it on special occasions now!) Then tomorrow my FIL and his girlfriend will visit - they are in the country for a couple of weeks and we've never met the gf, and haven't seen FIL since the wedding. They live in the Congo, and we're planning to visit them I think around Christmas... so I'd like to learn more about it! lol! Anycase, the FIL is a bit of party-person, so my husband thinks he'll want to take us out to dinner, but we're gonna prepare to stay in since we want to be flexible. And I like to stay home on Sundays too!! lol

Anyway, I suspect my run will wait until Sunday morning, and then Tuesday before work. I'm still progressing with my stamina/speed I think... I would prefer to run Saturdays, but with all the shops closed on Sunday we really have to run all our errands on Saturdays, and especially if we need anything I can't really bring home on a bike, J needs the car for work during the week.

Anne-Marie · Posted: Sun Sep 20, 2009 4:09 pm Post subject: yay progress!!

RRRR!!!

Well, no run today - I was just going to get changed to go when my FIL arrived, an hour early!!!! I *could* have gone after they left, but I was drained.

However, I did my monthly measurements today - not sure if it was the best day, as it was also the first day of my period - but I'm still pleased overall.